• Jeff South

The Kilroy All-Star Christmas Spectacular: Chapter the Snowman

The sound of the quintonium drive humming under the hood of the Dodge van is all that fills the silence. Marlene not texting Tony yet feels like mercy compared to the response I got from Leigh Ann. Or was it even Leigh Ann?


LOL Merry Xmas to you too. Who dis? LOL


Either she changed her number or she is pretending to not know who I am. Leigh Ann never used LOL in her texts. She is an emoji girl. She would've replaced LOL with the laughing-so-hard-I'm-crying face. Also, I'm not sure she would've ever used 'who dis?,' even ironically. The only possible result is she changed her number and I have no way of getting it.


"Would you like to talk about it?" Tony asks.


"Nope, but we can try music again." I turn on the A VERY KILROY CHRISTMAS playlist and that song about war being over if you want it comes on so I immediately turn it off because I'm already depressed and that song is sad. I know it's supposed to provide hope, but it is so goddamn melancholy and I don't need melancholy right now.


"What are you guys gonna do with me?" The bag of Herpezoid remains tries to change the subject and I'm not having it.


"I'm not telling you," I say.


"Try not to speak," Tony adds. "It's for the best."


"You guys think you're such hot stuff. A couple of hot shots. Two real hot dogs."


"He thinks we're hot," Tony says and that makes me smile even though I don't want to.


"He's not wrong," I say.


"You'll see," the Herp continues. "We're coming for you. We're going to ruin your Christmas."


"Whatever dude."


"We have been planning this for a while now. We're just getting started."

I sigh in frustration. "You Herpezoids couldn't plan your way out of a paper bag even if we gave you detailed instructions and left the bag open." "You think you're so smart." His indignation doesn't subside. "A couple of smarty pants is what you guys are."


"Smart and hot," Tony says. He checks his phone. No text from Marlene, I'm sure, or he would react. My phone rings and I rush to answer. Maybe it's Leigh Ann after all.


"Jeff?" It's Mom. I hide my disappointment and put her on speakerphone.


"What's up?"


"I hear you captured a Herpezoid."

"We did."


"Well, we have reports that another one was seen scaring the residents of the nursing home on the north end of town. He managed to eat all of their applesauce."


"That's pretty bold," Tony says.


"A Corporate retiree took him down and got some intel from him. I suggest you head over to the mall. Something could be about to go down."


She hangs up and Tony and I look at each other.


"Told you," the Herpezoid says. "We're gonna ruin Christmas."




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