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  • Writer's pictureJeff South

The Kilroy All-Star Christmas Spectacular: Chapter of the Bells

Herpezoids don't celebrate Christmas. I know this because of the nanotech downloaded into my brain. It contains all the known information about all the known galaxies. What planet has the largest mass in the Sandrifan galaxy? Easy. Flanijab. It's bigger than Jupiter, takes seven of our Earth years to orbit its suns, and is essentially uninhabitable because of all the methane. The entire planet smells like a rancid fart. Each of Flanijab's seven moons is inhabitable, though. They are all named after the original seven members of the '70s rock/pop band Starbuck. One moon, Bo (named after marimba player Bo Wagner), is nothing more than a gambling casino. I am no longer welcome there after racking up a mountain of debt and cheating at Lasjar, which is the Flanijabian version of Connect Four.

I digress.

Just as the nano informs me of the Starbuck moons of Flanijab, it reveals the holiday rituals of the dregs of the cosmos, Herpezoids. They have no holidays of their own. They don't celebrate birthdays because they don't keep records of any kind. A once proud species with their own thriving planet, they devolved into a lazy, opportunistic band of nomads without a place to call their own. Their unofficial government motto is "kind of a drag, all that paperwork." No, they're more recent history (and by recent I mean about 300 years) is to swoop into some planet like uninvited party guests who drink all your booze, eat all your food, make out with all your significant others, and make prank phone calls. Herpezoids don't have a culture of their own, so they just take over someone else's, exhaust it, and then move on.

And they'll do the same with Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, and Pancha Ganapati among others. Pancha Ganapati is the Hindu alternative to Christmas created by Sivaya Subramuniyaswami. I know about Pancha Ganapati because of the nano in my brain.

All the December cultural holidays will be ruined. Koliada, Yalda, Bodhi Day, Krampusnacht, Boxing Day. They'll ruin them all. Even New Year's Eve, which already sucks for so many people because there is so much pressure to go to parties and socialize and kiss someone at midnight and what if you're an introvert who just wants to stay home and watch movies? Herpezoids will ruin New Year's Eve by picking out shitty movies.

That's why they must be stopped.

And we are the ones to stop them.

We are The Fellowship of the Herpezoid Hunters Who WIll Save My Mom and All The Holidays.

And we own the night.

To be continued...

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